Great couples fight. What’s different about them is they never allow their disagreements to become personal or attacking, even though they can be furious at their spouse. When you watch videos of couples who are “fighting,” that’s one thing that stands out between the couples in trouble and the couples that last – they have decided not to let their conflict rise about a 7 (out of 10).
It’s not something they’re necessarily born with, but often it’s a decision they’ve made as a couple and as individuals.
Keeping Score is wonderful
When there’s conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in “not losing.” The problem with this approach is when one person “wins,” the other feels like they lose. When I mention this to couples, I’m often met with, “I’m not trying to win; I just need them to understand.” Translation: I need/expect/demand that they agree with me. That is winning, and there’s nothing wrong with winning – at times.
What happens is when you get your way, your partner rarely gives in because you’ve convinced them. Most of the time, they are willing to do things your way as a manner of concession. When you do get your way, keep track of how many times your partner has deferred to you. If he/she has “given in” to you, it might feel like they’ve simply realized you were right; but in their mind and heart, they feel like they’ve been gracious, and they can only be gracious for a certain number of times before they’ll become resentful.
I often tell wives this, “When you get your way, softly lean in to your husband and say, ‘Thanks for letting me win this one.’” Then smile. It’s not meant to be condescending, and you can’t use it every time, but it’s a way of letting him know that you realized he was willing to allow you to influence him. This works much better than simply assuming you’ve convinced him.
Address Your Relationship Injuries
If you’re honest, you know you’ve got “stuff” from somewhere. Parents, ex’s, siblings and the list could go on. What’s important isn’t so much what has happened to you. It’s how you learned to cope with it. The good news is your coping skills are very good at protecting you. The bad side is they aren’t there to help you get close to someone – they’re simply to protect you; and when you marry, your Coping Skills often collide with your partner’s. When you know how you cope (yelling, ignoring, blaming, etc.) then you can share this with your spouse AND give them permission to point it out when you’re doing it.
This takes courage, but it offers a level of intimacy that successful couples share. By revealing how you respond to conflict, you’re inviting your spouse to help you trade in those old Coping Skills so you can learn new ones through practicing with your spouse. When you don’t lose your temper, it will feel awkward and unsettling because now there is a void. What are you going to replace it with? This is the opportunity for closeness as you share your true feelings with your spouse instead of hiding behind your Coping Skills.
Compatibility is overrated – Give Them What They Want
So many singles search for their Soul Mate believing that if they find their ideal match, their marriage will be almost effortless. The problem with compatibility is it changes as couples grow older. Needs change, goals change and couples have to adjust. The person you married in your 20s is going to be different in their 40s and count on several unexpected crises to occur during that time.
What great couples have learned is when you find out what your partner really likes, and you give that to them, they’ll automatically feel more connected to you. The one thing all husbands crave is their wife’s emotions which will melt his heart and create the “Campfire Effect.” This is where your husband feels a deep connection to you just being in your presence.
Click here for the quick video which gifts you with the glamor and allure of the Campfire Effect.
